Hate from Depression

I hate everyone.

Sometimes it's because I can't control them.
Sometimes it's because they refuse logic and cling to the inane.
More often it's some defense mechanism because I'm depressed and have no life in me while they are doing things and moving along if only to meander.

Occasionally it's because I form an opinion on the spot and it fails miserably under scrutiny and instead of letting it go I lash out like an infant defending something for which I care nothing.

I can feel it shifting my personality.

I'm not an "every life is valuable" person like when I was religious.

I'm now a "no life is valuable unless it fulfills some evolved need that I personally have" person.

And that value is extrinsic.

What care I for people except that they are in a position to not cause me harm?
Except that they are someone I keep in my life to kill my need for them to, by their existence as a human and presence in my life, keep my inner fire lit in that we can have a care for each other's welfare?

When have I ever cared for an African child? Or even a child down the street?  Should I feed them to prevent suffering because they are within sight?

Maybe I truly have no empathy.  Maybe I'm so good at faking it that I convinced myself long ago that I care for people.

Life is disgusting. Fuck being alive and having to face myself

I slept with a beautiful fun intelligent strong woman not long ago.

She's awesome.  She's currently dying of an unknown bleeding disorder

She fights and loves every day.

What do I do in my life?  I sit on a couch and ....no I don't feel sorry for myself..... I just exist.
I have no struggle or care or fuck to give.
My self-worth is in the negatives.

Why do I FUCKING LIVE.  What is this non life.  Why can't I be anything more.  Why can't I strive and live and love.

I have no social life.  I take the dog out most days to get some air out and about.

I don't.  I just don't.  It's not I can't.  I just don't
I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING SELF.  I HATE ME.  I WANT TO TORTURE MYSELF.  I WANT TO FUCKING JUST TEAR PIECES OFF MYSELF AND .... fucking suffer.  bleed and hurt and maybe even die.  Fuck this non life.

I need LIFE.  I need SEX.  I need SOMETHING.  I JUST NEED.  I WANT.  But I don't.  I just don't.

I stare at screens until .... until I don't.  And then I lay and stare.
And I wait for salvation.

I wait for nothing.  I just wait and don't.  I die.  I am dead.  I don't want to die - I want to suffer.  I want to fucking burn and cry and feel and continue to do that for the next 50 years.  Fuck you, too, reader.  Fuck you that you have life enough to scrounge about into my depressing place.

I need to be committed before I descend into depravities.  I am not becoming more.  I need to be led by the hand to do the simplest of tasks.

I'm trying.....I'm trying so hard but I can't try like I used to.......I don't want to try anymore.. I don't want to....leave me alone......leave me alone please.....I don't want to try any more
please.  i don't want to try.  I try and I don't.

I need life.  I want life.  I can't human like these fucks who exist.  I can't.  I can't human.  I don't human.  I just ....my brain is melting....I'm too smart....but I'm dead....I'm without.  There's nothing.  I have nothing.  I want nothing.  I have dreams but I can't.....I don't.....The world is fucking sick....

Without love I am nothing.  I need dependency.  Fuck these relationship "experts".  I need to depend on someone to be my life.  I don't without.