Life is not meant to be happy for some. Some people will only live in misery.
No matter what you do....Happiness is determined by contentment..which is determined by brain chemicals. Yay.
Why? Why can't I find someone in my life that I can live for? Someone who stabilizes my insanity? Will God continue to torture me? What does he want? Misery creates WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? DO you want me to die from sorrow? Do you, who supposedly has ALL power, want such melancholy on me? Obviously you have not control over the universe or you would never make one requiring misery and suffering to be. You are weak, God. You can't prevent the suffering of your 'children.' Your projects........they suffer and you promise salvation. You give comfort and peace. Or do you? I have never asked for limited peace or a nice feel good 'peaceful spirit.' I don't want to be at peace and not achieve and fulfill.................What the hell do you want from me!? Why do you torture me and spiral me about? Stop being a mystery. Stop being distant. Stop being weak. I have ever sought your guidance and you have ever come up short. I can't do anything else. I have tried and tried to understand and learn and all you do is restrict. YOU created humans. and YOU betray me. YOU BETRAY ME GOD!? YOU Betray me to nothingness. Only You. I cannot prepare a way ahead of myself. I cannot find a woman who complements me. I cannot be Good. I CANNOT!? DO YOU HEAR ME GOD!!!!!?? CAN YOU HEAR ME!!!??? WHERE ARE YOU!? I want to hurt more! Destroy me please! I don't want to hurt so much..... I want to have meaning. Stop giving me meaningless suffering. What are you doing? Why why....Why? Why.....
All I can do is destroy my mind, my soul, my pride, my being, my self.......... and suffer more and become colder.
The bottom of my heart is a cold Granite floor. It sucks the heat out of me and my body breaks as I hit it. I feel nothing. The cold overwhelms my onasssndklfffffffw'
Whatever. Damn everything. Let the world freeze, burn, or shatter. It is better that man hurt and suffer. I want men to hurt and fail and cry because there is NOTHING worth achieving on this disgusting world. Suffering is the only thing that is absolute in debasing man. Good job God. You destroy me. I always claim invincibility. Why? Because I know that no matter the circumstance that Good is there and I reach for it. But I am weak and will stand for NOTHING if I didn't have a power that guides me. Something baser than my lusts and hunger. A power that is supposedly God but who will never help. God only destroys me as I prostrate myself and ........ does he try to increase that power? Make me more understanding as he DESTROYS me!? But I can't feel it. Except I feel the pain. I grow colder. Why do you hurt me? To build me as your own? I understand why they call you a Terrible God. You are not the Christ that the Western World portrays you as. You destroy as you save. I still believe that you save me. But you destroy me. Why do you hurt who I am and who YOU have put on Earth? I would cry forever if I didn't feel so cold and understand so much. I want to cry....to eventually be saved from tears ...........that I can't cry. Life grows clearer but brings me more sorrow. Modern Thought is wrong in so many ways. Traditions and habits lead people to DESTRUCTION. Some traditions and habits prevent men from falling from Good.......but they hold them back. They hold back those who are seeking Good.
