Dream: gnats

Gnats

gnats were the enemy
[4:02:31 PM] angelmarauder: people had done something to make gnats poisonous to humans
[4:02:41 PM] angelmarauder: but the poison didn't hurt or kill you
[4:02:51 PM] angelmarauder: it makes you angrier and more violent
[4:03:13 PM] angelmarauder: and when the gnats bit you they'd grow and spread
[4:03:50 PM] angelmarauder: sometimes you didn't know who it was that was affected
[4:03:59 PM] angelmarauder: B/c people would hold in their anger
[4:04:05 PM] angelmarauder: so I didn't trust anyone
[4:04:08 PM] angelmarauder: and I was in the country
[4:04:20 PM] angelmarauder: walking along backroads through small villages
[4:04:45 PM] angelmarauder: and I came across a village that was continously spraying for gnats to kill them and keep them away.
[4:04:58 PM] angelmarauder: and the poison was permanent
[4:05:08 PM] angelmarauder: you would be bit and get a little angrier
[4:05:13 PM] angelmarauder: and you'd get bit again
[4:05:22 PM] angelmarauder: and even more anger would burn in you!
[4:05:31 PM] angelmarauder: And you would kill and destroy anything around you
[4:05:38 PM] angelmarauder: humans dogs trees buildings
[4:06:00 PM] angelmarauder: you would just hate and hate until you die somehow
[4:06:31 PM] angelmarauder: In part of my dream I hadn't slept for a long time keeping an eye out when I came to this village
[4:06:37 PM] angelmarauder: it had a female mayor randomly
[4:06:46 PM] angelmarauder: but I just saw this from someone's backyard
[4:07:31 PM] angelmarauder: I went to their garden and buried myself except my chest, arms, and head
[4:07:42 PM] angelmarauder: and put a blanket over my head to sleep
[4:08:05 PM] angelmarauder: they had sentries at the roads that would shoot anyone approaching
[4:08:11 PM] angelmarauder: somehow I snuck by
[4:08:21 PM] angelmarauder: I got to know some of the people there
[4:08:32 PM] angelmarauder: and there was this one man that I especially didn't trust
[4:08:36 PM] angelmarauder: because he was silent
[4:08:52 PM] angelmarauder: And I figured he was holding back his anger.
[4:08:54 PM] angelmarauder: he had a wife.
[4:09:04 PM] angelmarauder: and one day he went beserk and I started running
[4:09:20 PM] angelmarauder: He was beating his wife and a few other people in rage
[4:09:26 PM] angelmarauder: and then he started running after me
[4:09:39 PM] angelmarauder: and, as dreams go, I couldn't run faster than he.
[4:09:47 PM] angelmarauder: Despite me running early and hiding.
[4:10:34 PM] angelmarauder: there were other parts earlier in the dream like me being in a shed and gnats coming in and me swatting them and duck taping the holes and I could see angry people beating everyone and eachother in the streets
[4:10:45 PM] angelmarauder: and that's all

Miserable

Miserable. miserable miserable miserable.

Life is not meant to be happy for some. Some people will only live in misery.

No matter what you do....Happiness is determined by contentment..which is determined by brain chemicals. Yay.

Why? Why can't I find someone in my life that I can live for? Someone who stabilizes my insanity? Will God continue to torture me? What does he want? Misery creates WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? DO you want me to die from sorrow? Do you, who supposedly has ALL power, want such melancholy on me? Obviously you have not control over the universe or you would never make one requiring misery and suffering to be. You are weak, God. You can't prevent the suffering of your 'children.' Your projects........they suffer and you promise salvation. You give comfort and peace. Or do you? I have never asked for limited peace or a nice feel good 'peaceful spirit.' I don't want to be at peace and not achieve and fulfill.................What the hell do you want from me!? Why do you torture me and spiral me about? Stop being a mystery. Stop being distant. Stop being weak. I have ever sought your guidance and you have ever come up short. I can't do anything else. I have tried and tried to understand and learn and all you do is restrict. YOU created humans. and YOU betray me. YOU BETRAY ME GOD!? YOU Betray me to nothingness. Only You. I cannot prepare a way ahead of myself. I cannot find a woman who complements me. I cannot be Good. I CANNOT!? DO YOU HEAR ME GOD!!!!!?? CAN YOU HEAR ME!!!??? WHERE ARE YOU!? I want to hurt more! Destroy me please! I don't want to hurt so much..... I want to have meaning. Stop giving me meaningless suffering. What are you doing? Why why....Why? Why.....

All I can do is destroy my mind, my soul, my pride, my being, my self.......... and suffer more and become colder.

The bottom of my heart is a cold Granite floor. It sucks the heat out of me and my body breaks as I hit it. I feel nothing. The cold overwhelms my onasssndklfffffffw'

Whatever. Damn everything. Let the world freeze, burn, or shatter. It is better that man hurt and suffer. I want men to hurt and fail and cry because there is NOTHING worth achieving on this disgusting world. Suffering is the only thing that is absolute in debasing man. Good job God. You destroy me. I always claim invincibility. Why? Because I know that no matter the circumstance that Good is there and I reach for it. But I am weak and will stand for NOTHING if I didn't have a power that guides me. Something baser than my lusts and hunger. A power that is supposedly God but who will never help. God only destroys me as I prostrate myself and ........ does he try to increase that power? Make me more understanding as he DESTROYS me!? But I can't feel it. Except I feel the pain. I grow colder. Why do you hurt me? To build me as your own? I understand why they call you a Terrible God. You are not the Christ that the Western World portrays you as. You destroy as you save. I still believe that you save me. But you destroy me. Why do you hurt who I am and who YOU have put on Earth? I would cry forever if I didn't feel so cold and understand so much. I want to cry....to eventually be saved from tears ...........that I can't cry. Life grows clearer but brings me more sorrow. Modern Thought is wrong in so many ways. Traditions and habits lead people to DESTRUCTION. Some traditions and habits prevent men from falling from Good.......but they hold them back. They hold back those who are seeking Good.

I CAN'T BE PERFECT

Sorry I can't be perfect.
I give up. Life sucks. I'm not going to imagine
greatness,
perfection,
wonderous deeds,
achievement that means ANYTHING.

Cool. Anything we do will end with our death. Be meaningless at our death. And any effect we had upon others will be meaningless at their deaths. Everything dies on this worthless world. Nothing is worth anything. What is there to have or to hope for? Release into non-existence or release into meaning. We will suffer....how far? Everyone suffers. Even hardcore Buddhist monks that separate themselves from this filthy world suffer. I suffer from my hate of my lack of 'give-a-damn' levels and lack of any purpose. I suffer because the day proceeds indiscriminately past as we stare at it and find nothing but emptiness.

An empty world. Void of purpose beyond:
1. reproduction and
2. working to make food come out of the ground.

Everything else is nought. Human interaction always leads to
greed avarice violence gossip disdain repulsion bigotry
and occasionally
Love

Everything else is nought. What is a bed compared to food and children? What is anything compared to those? Luxuries, allowances of nature, innovation of man (Ha! Man! The revolutionary ideas always came from men inspired by God. Men are weak. Men couldn't survive one day without the consistency of sun and the Earth and the air and the plants.)

What is anything compared to them? NOTHING. realizations of an existence already apparent. Woopty Doo. So what is there of worth? Dieing. That should number 3 on that list. Anything we achieve is for greater luxury. Why can't these creatures that we are understand eachother. Why must there be continual guile and violence and manipulation and with that fear?

Why even ask questions? Why even WHINE. Ah freak I hate my existence....But I DON'T want an existence of mere self-complacent contentment either. I'd rather be miserable and hateful EVERY moment of my life than bear the disgrace of idiocy.

Phail

Waiting

I await my life. It walks near me while never touching me. I wonder.....what is it? What IS my life? Where is best? Where is my heart? Where could my soul be settling.....in a wasteland of complacent doubt...? Maybe in The Darkness
Waiting on the inevitable fall of senses as I wander drearily into a thick consuming darkness that ever-presently continually pursues the destruction of my soul....................

Oh soul.....sadness does not describe the harrowed emptiness. What was dug out was dirt...and now decay is awaiting my waiting. We will meet eventually.....a sudden meeting at a crossroads of our waiting.

Sorrow so long is so dull

My angst - long present. Woe to us malcontents : (

Words can only say so much. Understanding is only so much. Purpose is little. Purpose is created. Life is given meaning by Love. Love is given through Virtue. Virtues have been put in the form of words since the beginning. Find Love. But Purpose? Where the hell is purpose? In Hell it seems..... Oh Purpose. It has run from me for most of my life. And it'll never be caught. God does not want a man to be given purpose. He sets him up to seek his own however that man wishes. Hopefully that man chooses virtue......

His Own Personal Oblivion

And Once He Leaves

He's Has Left The Unenterable Oblivion

And Will Never Return to the Same

But To Another?

And Another?

Please No....

The Oblivion Is Confusion

Understanding....Truncated

Perspective Blackened

Mid-Life Crisis?

And so on until it's finished.

Blah