Hate from Depression

I hate everyone.

Sometimes it's because I can't control them.
Sometimes it's because they refuse logic and cling to the inane.
More often it's some defense mechanism because I'm depressed and have no life in me while they are doing things and moving along if only to meander.

Occasionally it's because I form an opinion on the spot and it fails miserably under scrutiny and instead of letting it go I lash out like an infant defending something for which I care nothing.

I can feel it shifting my personality.

I'm not an "every life is valuable" person like when I was religious.

I'm now a "no life is valuable unless it fulfills some evolved need that I personally have" person.

And that value is extrinsic.

What care I for people except that they are in a position to not cause me harm?
Except that they are someone I keep in my life to kill my need for them to, by their existence as a human and presence in my life, keep my inner fire lit in that we can have a care for each other's welfare?

When have I ever cared for an African child? Or even a child down the street?  Should I feed them to prevent suffering because they are within sight?

Maybe I truly have no empathy.  Maybe I'm so good at faking it that I convinced myself long ago that I care for people.

Life is disgusting. Fuck being alive and having to face myself

I slept with a beautiful fun intelligent strong woman not long ago.

She's awesome.  She's currently dying of an unknown bleeding disorder

She fights and loves every day.

What do I do in my life?  I sit on a couch and ....no I don't feel sorry for myself..... I just exist.
I have no struggle or care or fuck to give.
My self-worth is in the negatives.

Why do I FUCKING LIVE.  What is this non life.  Why can't I be anything more.  Why can't I strive and live and love.

I have no social life.  I take the dog out most days to get some air out and about.

I don't.  I just don't.  It's not I can't.  I just don't
I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING SELF.  I HATE ME.  I WANT TO TORTURE MYSELF.  I WANT TO FUCKING JUST TEAR PIECES OFF MYSELF AND .... fucking suffer.  bleed and hurt and maybe even die.  Fuck this non life.

I need LIFE.  I need SEX.  I need SOMETHING.  I JUST NEED.  I WANT.  But I don't.  I just don't.

I stare at screens until .... until I don't.  And then I lay and stare.
And I wait for salvation.

I wait for nothing.  I just wait and don't.  I die.  I am dead.  I don't want to die - I want to suffer.  I want to fucking burn and cry and feel and continue to do that for the next 50 years.  Fuck you, too, reader.  Fuck you that you have life enough to scrounge about into my depressing place.

I need to be committed before I descend into depravities.  I am not becoming more.  I need to be led by the hand to do the simplest of tasks.

I'm trying.....I'm trying so hard but I can't try like I used to.......I don't want to try anymore.. I don't want to....leave me alone......leave me alone please.....I don't want to try any more
please.  i don't want to try.  I try and I don't.

I need life.  I want life.  I can't human like these fucks who exist.  I can't.  I can't human.  I don't human.  I just ....my brain is melting....I'm too smart....but I'm dead....I'm without.  There's nothing.  I have nothing.  I want nothing.  I have dreams but I can't.....I don't.....The world is fucking sick....

Without love I am nothing.  I need dependency.  Fuck these relationship "experts".  I need to depend on someone to be my life.  I don't without.

Pessimism/Optimism, Reason/Faith

Reason breeds pessimism and Faith breeds optimism.

Let me give you some reason: attachment to anything that can die, will lead to sadness if its death precedes yours.  That includes everything: power, people, ideals....even relationships

So why be attached to anything?  Because without attachment, there is no purpose; and without purpose, there is no happiness.  A struggle for what gives us happy feelings...Even if that struggle is in vain.

Faith, on the other hand, is looking forward with Hope to things that are Good.  Like God.  Like Salvation / Eternal Life / Eternal Happiness (in the now undying things)

A flimsy sheath, a false illusion

I was realizing how little substance there is to a man.  I am just my actions.  I have no constancy, except where I decide to have.  I could be anything...but I choose to view the world and act towards the world as this creature me.  I don't have any true attributes or nature.  I'm just a creation.  I could be evil and carnal in the next instant and it wouldn't be out of my nature.  It would just be a change.  You could say a change of 'character', but if I can so easily change....can you really call it that?  I don't think any man is a true constant.  Anyone could be a piece of crap the next moment.  What's stopping them!?  Why not just fail!?  What god-damn point is there to continue on in honor and virtue and class when you could just as easily let it go and still be the same person.  Everyone's so fake.  Even if that fakeness is good.  Just an illusion that you manipulate from day to day until the day you die and that illusion falls off and you become a true sight to all.  A mound of flesh.

Ugh.  Why is life so depressing somedays...Brain chemicals....random balances determine who we are.  We are nothing but a result of some mechanical operation in biology.  Life is a fail.

I know all of this ranting is just bull****; but I can't help but feel it's true at times.

Sorrow Confidence and Manliness

Manly.  Women like to think that it's the Confidence to combat the world's Sorrow as soon as it appears.  A protection, a shield, from the pain so that it will never touch her.  A fearsome foe to Fear itself.  And to doubt.
Hah.  I could do that.  But it would be a deceiving shield.  Instead of a shield of Light it would be a dark hole that consumes the unknown instead of revealing it.  Uncertainty is your friend, it seems.  It's the bitterness that brings meaning.

As for me, I let this Sorrow envelop me further and further 'til the light dims out.  Sinking into the depths.  Cold and vast.  I don't enjoy it.  I don't struggle until I don't know whether I'm sinking any further.  And then I calmly observe while drowned.  With a prayer of salvation, I understand...hopefully; and if not, I don't dismiss.  I stay drowned.  I keep myself drowned while I walk and continue; in part dead but hoping.

My salvation is insignificant in my eyes.  Rather, it's not warming.  Others' is so important.  But I'm not going to abandon confrontation, just to get a false peace.  I can sit away from the trouble and guard those near me and be at peace away from the war.  But the war wages.  And it involves us.  There is no victor but it is a continuous struggle.  Always present until understanding pierces it.  You see, you can fight for a side or fight both or gamble or sympathize.  But you won't change an outcome that is not.  Understanding allows you to overcome.  Suddenly the struggle isn't a struggle in your eyes but a dance whilst still being a struggle to all else.

Too much...I've read too much into......

I'll protect.  I'm too strong to be concerned about whether I can or not.  I will hold you my love.  I will claim you my land.  I will defend.

Gah

Raped by evil

There are demons that have been attached to me that take over when I fight because I have allowed them the power of martial law.  They over-whelm me when I look fight for self-assertion in ideals.  A place of strength becomes an insignificant bump in defense and all my tools of development and my powers in arms are suddenly in the hands of the enemy.  They, in military fashion, engage in acts that I, overwhelmed, partake in only numbly acquiescing with glazed eyes....until the demons are done mocking and destroying that of which they took control; then my eyes close, my self-loathing peaks, and my worth is made quite apparent.

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Dream: gnats

Gnats

gnats were the enemy
[4:02:31 PM] angelmarauder: people had done something to make gnats poisonous to humans
[4:02:41 PM] angelmarauder: but the poison didn't hurt or kill you
[4:02:51 PM] angelmarauder: it makes you angrier and more violent
[4:03:13 PM] angelmarauder: and when the gnats bit you they'd grow and spread
[4:03:50 PM] angelmarauder: sometimes you didn't know who it was that was affected
[4:03:59 PM] angelmarauder: B/c people would hold in their anger
[4:04:05 PM] angelmarauder: so I didn't trust anyone
[4:04:08 PM] angelmarauder: and I was in the country
[4:04:20 PM] angelmarauder: walking along backroads through small villages
[4:04:45 PM] angelmarauder: and I came across a village that was continously spraying for gnats to kill them and keep them away.
[4:04:58 PM] angelmarauder: and the poison was permanent
[4:05:08 PM] angelmarauder: you would be bit and get a little angrier
[4:05:13 PM] angelmarauder: and you'd get bit again
[4:05:22 PM] angelmarauder: and even more anger would burn in you!
[4:05:31 PM] angelmarauder: And you would kill and destroy anything around you
[4:05:38 PM] angelmarauder: humans dogs trees buildings
[4:06:00 PM] angelmarauder: you would just hate and hate until you die somehow
[4:06:31 PM] angelmarauder: In part of my dream I hadn't slept for a long time keeping an eye out when I came to this village
[4:06:37 PM] angelmarauder: it had a female mayor randomly
[4:06:46 PM] angelmarauder: but I just saw this from someone's backyard
[4:07:31 PM] angelmarauder: I went to their garden and buried myself except my chest, arms, and head
[4:07:42 PM] angelmarauder: and put a blanket over my head to sleep
[4:08:05 PM] angelmarauder: they had sentries at the roads that would shoot anyone approaching
[4:08:11 PM] angelmarauder: somehow I snuck by
[4:08:21 PM] angelmarauder: I got to know some of the people there
[4:08:32 PM] angelmarauder: and there was this one man that I especially didn't trust
[4:08:36 PM] angelmarauder: because he was silent
[4:08:52 PM] angelmarauder: And I figured he was holding back his anger.
[4:08:54 PM] angelmarauder: he had a wife.
[4:09:04 PM] angelmarauder: and one day he went beserk and I started running
[4:09:20 PM] angelmarauder: He was beating his wife and a few other people in rage
[4:09:26 PM] angelmarauder: and then he started running after me
[4:09:39 PM] angelmarauder: and, as dreams go, I couldn't run faster than he.
[4:09:47 PM] angelmarauder: Despite me running early and hiding.
[4:10:34 PM] angelmarauder: there were other parts earlier in the dream like me being in a shed and gnats coming in and me swatting them and duck taping the holes and I could see angry people beating everyone and eachother in the streets
[4:10:45 PM] angelmarauder: and that's all